DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
