All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
