Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
