smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
