Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
