worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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