I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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