I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
