3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
