I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
