I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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