Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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