If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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