I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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