I met the friendliest cop last night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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