he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize