Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
