I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
