It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
