I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
