she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
this will be a night to untag.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
