she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize