He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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