I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
