Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
