you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize