Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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