just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
