drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
