Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
