If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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