so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It's never too late to be topless.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
