We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
