how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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