I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I will be naked everywhere
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
