I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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