That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
