im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
