if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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