what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
