one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize