She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm sobbing to NWA
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
