That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
