I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
