Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
