I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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