I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
