Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All the doctor said was why
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
