You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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