she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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