a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
