I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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