I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
