I got chris browned last night
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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