so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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