My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
