Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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