All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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