Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
