Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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