i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
