You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
